ADHD and regulation: recognising the importance of connection

When a colleague asked me recently what my biggest personal awareness about ADHD had been, my immediate answer was regulation. But I realised I wanted to go deeper to explain what that word actually means, and why understanding it has become so important to me.

We often talk about ADHD in terms of “concentration”, “organisation” and “forgetfulness”. However, there is also the experience of what happens within us as we try to manage everyday life: how we respond to pressure, how we experience our emotions and how we find our way back to feeling settled when everything becomes too much.

For me, learning about regulation has brought a particular realisation: how much other people can help me regulate. Sometimes, having someone to talk things through with can help me understand what I am experiencing and find a way forward.

What is regulation?

Regulation involves managing and adjusting our emotions, attention and responses so we can respond to what is happening around us. It helps us take in information, pause, make decisions and recover when something has unsettled us.

Emotional regulation includes recognising what we feel, managing the intensity of those feelings and recovering after becoming overwhelmed. Regulating attention involves directing our focus and being able to shift it when needed. Our level of physical alertness matters too: whether we feel restless, tense, tired or ready to engage.

It is important to note that being regulated does not mean being calm all the time. We can feel excited, disappointed or angry while still being able to understand our experience and choose how to respond. Regulation allows some flexibility between what we feel and what we do next.

Research recognises emotional regulation challenges as an important part of many adults’ experience of ADHD. Someone may experience emotions intensely or find it difficult to settle afterwards, although this varies between individuals. Understanding these difficulties can help us recognise needs that are not always apparent from the outside.

How does executive functioning fit?

Executive functioning supports regulation through skills such as holding information in mind, organising our thoughts, managing impulses and deciding what to do next. These skills help us turn an intention into action.

For someone with ADHD, knowing what needs to happen does not always make it easy to begin. Planning, organising and following through can be difficult, particularly when several demands are competing for attention.

In my experience, the practical and emotional parts can become tangled together. If I cannot work out where to start, I can feel overwhelmed. Once overwhelmed, finding a starting point can become harder.

Understanding regulation helps me consider what I need in that moment. Perhaps I need time to gather my thoughts, help putting things into an order, or a conversation that allows me to identify the next manageable step.

Understanding what is happening within me

Part of this awareness has been recognising that overwhelm can feel physical as well as emotional. I can notice what is happening in my thoughts alongside how settled or unsettled I feel in my body.

Learning about the nervous system has given me another way to consider that experience. However, I also recognise that ADHD, anxiety, stress, sleep and difficult circumstances can overlap. Understanding myself involves paying attention to those different influences rather than assuming everything has one explanation.

Being diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-fifties gave me a new understanding of myself. Learning about regulation continues that process, helping me to recognise when demands are building and when I might need support.

Why other people matter

Sometimes I need to talk things through before I can make sense of them. I may have several thoughts competing for attention, feelings that are difficult to put into words, or uncertainty about where to begin.

Having someone listen, ask a thoughtful question, or help me untangle what I am trying to say can make a considerable difference. Through that conversation, I can begin to feel more settled and find a way forward.

There is a term for this: co-regulation. It describes how interaction with another person can support us in managing our emotional and physical state. A calm presence, patient listening and a sense of being understood can help.

For me, the value lies in having enough space to express what is happening with someone alongside me. I do not always need an immediate answer. Sometimes the conversation itself helps me discover what I think, what I feel and what I need.

ADHD can sometimes leave me feeling isolated. When I am struggling to organise my thoughts or explain my needs, reaching out can itself feel difficult. Yet connection may be exactly what I need at that moment.

Where body doubling comes in

Body doubling offers another way of receiving support through someone’s presence. It means having another person alongside you, in person or online, while you carry out a task. They may be doing something entirely different.

Some people find that this helps them get started and stay focused. Research is still developing, and it will not suit everyone, but it is an approach worth understanding.

It does not have to cost money. You could arrange to spend half an hour with a friend or colleague, each doing something of your own, with an agreement about whether you want quiet company or occasional check-ins.

Body doubling and co-regulation can overlap, although they are different. Sometimes we need a conversation to make sense of our feelings; sometimes we need someone nearby while we take action. Recognising which kind of support would help is part of understanding our needs.

Knowing my needs and using my voice

Developing our own ways of regulating can sit alongside receiving support from others. We can learn to notice our feelings, recognise our limits and understand what helps us, while allowing connection to be part of that understanding.

This ADHD Awareness Month, that is the awareness I would like to share. For me, knowing my barriers includes recognising when I am struggling to regulate. Knowing my adjustments includes understanding the value of time, space and supportive conversation. Using my voice means being able to say, “I need someone to talk this through with me.”

Recognising that need has helped me understand myself more clearly and appreciate how much being heard can matter.